It has been one fucked up summer.
Not only did Ashley have a clinical that had her two states away for 4 months, but I started my summer with a cold that wouldn't go away. A cold that had a lingering cough that plagued me for weeks.
"It could be whooping cough... have you considered seeing your doctor?" My doctor had no availability until August.
"Maybe it's walking pneumonia..." Well, according to urgent care, that's exactly what it was. Or so I thought. I was sent home with a Z pack, antibiotics, some steroids, and cough suppressant.
Flash forward to mid-July...
I started noticing that while the cough had packed its' bags and left town for the most part, I had developed this annoying and frustrating new symptom: feeling insanely out of breath over the simplest things. I'm 30 years old and I was getting so winded climbing the ONE flight of stairs to my apartment after work that it felt like I had just finished up an intense workout at the gym... when I had actually just finished driving the 30 minute commute home. Not only was this annoying, but it made me feel helpless.
Particularly, on the morning of July 23rd, I woke up and as I went to sit up in bed, I nearly fainted back down onto the pillow. I was lightheaded, out of breath, and struggling to breathe. Somehow, not only did I get dressed for work, I walked down aforementioned stairs to my car, and drove to work. Crossing the parking lot, however, was a completely different story. I made 4, almost 5 stops, merely walking the hundred feet or so from my car in the parking lot to the front door. I barely made it in the front door and immediately had to take a seat, desperately trying to get a full breath. What in the actual fuck is going on? I made it to the elevator, up to the second floor and down the hall to my desk, and immediately fell into my chair. I felt exhausted. I spent the 30 odd minutes at my desk debating what to do and texting my wife in a fervent manner asking for advice. At her suggestion to go to urgent care, as it sounded to her I might have PE's (pulmonary embolisms), I immediately emailed my coworkers and supervisors, grabbed my stuff, and ambled back downstairs, across the parking lot, and into my car, narrowly avoiding fainting again once I sat in the driver's seat. After 20 minutes of trying to breathe and calm myself, I put the car in drive and took off to urgent care once more.
The rest of that day is a bit of a blur, I'll be honest. From urgent care, I had labwork and breathing treatments done to help me breathe, but my BP was insane: 145/104. Once the doctor there ruled out that they couldn't help me anymore than they had, I got transferred to WakeMed hospital via ambulance. I was pale, breathing heavy, and exhausted. I indeed did have PE's... once I got settled into my room at the hospital, the various chest CT's and MRI's confirmed that I had 4 PE's, 2 in each lung. Not only that, but I had 5 blood clots in my limbs as well (2 in my left arm, 1 in my right arm, and 1 in each leg). I immediately was put on a sweet Heparin drip to thin my blood, had oxygen as my oxygen saturation level was below 90, and was told I'd be there for a few days. Not exactly how I thought I would spend the end of July, but it was what it was. Some blood clots sucked to have, but no harm no foul, right?
I clung to this idea of false positivity of a short stay and a return to my life as it was until I had my abdominal CT scan on July 25th. That scan changed my entire life.
That damn scan revealed the truth underneath it all: hiding in my abdomen and around my ovaries were more than 5 tumors, with more than 4 of them as big as or bigger than 3 cm, with my biggest tumor almost 7 cm x 4.3 cm. The words "tumors" and "cancer" fell out of my doctor's mouth like anchors, slowly wrapping around my ankles and pulling me down as I tried to process what the fuck was happening. I asked everyone to leave and take a lap, and when Ashley and I were alone, I lost my shit. I'm 30 years old, relatively healthy, with no preconditions or risk factors for cancer... what the fuck was happening to me?
After my moment of tears, my hematologist, who had worked tirelessly to figure out why I had 9 blood clots in my body, informed me that they weren't the experts in handling ovarian cancer but she knew someone at both UNC and Duke who could help. Apparently, the blood clots were a calling card for the ovarian cancer, as it hyper-coagulates the blood. I went with UNC on a whim and prepared for another ride in the ambulance.
My phenomenal team of doctors at UNC swung into action that moment I arrived, and my team of nurses, whom I don't know enough kind words to describe fully, took action to get me comfortable, taken care of, and ready for the next step of my journey: surgery. My doctors informed me that I did indeed have ovarian cancer, and from the looks of it, it was spreading through my omentum unless they operated to remove the infected areas. The operation they were speaking of was a total and complete abdominal hysterectomy; in case you're unaware of what that entails, that is the removal of your ovaries, fallopian tubes, uterus, and cervix. My hysterectomy would be a debulking surgery, which merely means that any and all cancer they could see, they would remove. Once they left the room, the weight of what they had just explained to me hit me.
Uterus?
Shortly after, one of my doctors, Lindsay Buckingham (seriously her name, and as a Fleetwood Mac fan I was a big fan of that) came back in and spoke to Ashley and I. Did I want to hold onto my uterus if I had dreams of carrying a pregnancy in the future?
When I was younger, the jury was definitely out on kids for me. Ask my first girlfriend, I was definitely not sold on the idea. I was also like 18 at the time so different mindset entirely. Throughout my twenties though, I began to change my opinion on that milestone. Once I had gotten together with Ashley and we began dating, my mind was solidly made up on the issue: I was going to have a baby one day and it would be a dealbreaker if I was with someone who didn't want that too. In recent months, my wife and I had been doing research, discussing openly with family and close friends of our intentions of starting a family in the next year or so, and looking forward to what that would be like for us.
So when Lindsay asked me if I wanted to keep my uterus, my first thought immediately was to shout, "YES," at her. But my rational brain asked instead what the risks would be. I'm educated enough to understand that cancer is smart and diabolical in nature, so I had to know: if I keep it, what does that mean exactly? She explained that while there were no tumors in my uterus currently, if they left it behind, the tissues there are ripe for more cancer to come back in the future. I would have to consider what that would mean for my course of treatment, and that even if they left it behind in the surgery, there is no guarantee I would be able to carry a pregnancy to term, let alone if it would be healthy at all. The cherry on top of it all was when she said that that would mean more surgeries in the future, plural.
Feeling suddenly very aware of how much I now hated my body for its betrayal of my hopes and dreams, and wanting very badly for these intruders to get the fuck out as soon as possible, I made the decision that I would rather have them get it all in one go, and take whatever they needed to take. I cared more for ensuring my chances at beating this shit was higher from the jump.
She hugged Ashley and I and left us to our thoughts. I promptly looked at Ashley in tears and uttered, "I can never have your baby then."
I can't explain the feeling of loss I feel when I consider my dream of being a mother and experiencing the wonders of pregnancy, and knowing now that it's a mere fantasy that will never be a reality for me. I will never grow life in my womb... I don't even have a womb anymore. I will never get to carry Ashley's egg to term and deliver a baby. I will never get to pee on a stick or excitedly tell my family and friends we are having a baby the way I always believed I would. I will never feel kicks or have a growing belly or experience that, ever. I'm just empty inside there... it's a shell, covered in skin and laced together with a gnarly 7 inch scar from navel to pubic bone. I will never forgive my body for ripping away from me this dream of children. Of pregnancy. Of labor. Of bonding with a child I created with my wife. Of the trials and tribulations of motherhood the way I always imagined I would create a family with Ashley. Now, those hopes are just dust in the wind... or more like biomedical waste in the trash.
I had my surgery around 4am on August 1st, with my mom, sister, grandma, and wife there for support. Post operation, I woke up looking down at my stomach, in serious pain, crying. Afterwards, they told me they took a final total of SEVEN tumors and 2 cysts along with my reproductive organs. I spent the next few days discovering I would vomit immediately when I took Lyrica, that I had a ridiculous amount of staples in my stomach holding my incision closed, and everything fucking hurt, especially sneezing or coughing. I was released on August 6th to go home and heal.
It's been over two months since then, and I still feel at times very much like I am a shell of myself, a ghost in the corner of the room watching this all unfold, but it's not happening to me, right? I started my chemotherapy treatments on August 23rd, an aggressive plan of attack to kill the cancer cells we can't see so they don't take root again. Before my first treatment, I got my hair cut in preparation for the hair loss I was told was only imminent from happening. I can attest to the truth of this, as currently, I have now shaved my head, as every time I would touch my hair, a few strands would come out with it. I struggle with having no appetite and then having a fierce ravenous one; having crippling nausea and then feeling absolutely exhausted. Chemo is no joke, as I'm learning... I mean, it's medical poison injected into my blood stream every three weeks. But jokes aside, it's working; my surgeon informed me that after my first chemo treatment, my CA125 (the tumor marker antigen in my blood) dropped from 110 to 18, the first time in months it has been within the normal range of 0-39. After my second chemo treatment, that number dropped once again, this time to 11. I may hate the side effects but my body is responding and killing the cancer cells, just like we all hoped.
I've been pretty positive about my journey so far... it's hard to be negative when you know chemo's quite literally killing it. I still struggle to adjust to the fact that I have cancer; sometimes, I completely forget, other times it's all I can think about. I do have moments though when I get angry and intensely upset (like that time I sobbed in the bathtub), but I've learned to feel those feelings as they come and let them go, trying not to dwell on anything for too long. There's a quote from Maggie Smith, a poet, that states: "You don't always get to choose your materials. Maybe anger is what you have to work with right now -- or worry, or grief. Whatever you have, use it. Start building. Keep moving." I never in a million years expected to utter the words, "I have cancer." But regardless, here we are, traveling down a road that's uncharted territory. I'm angry, I'm upset, I'm fucking depressed, and I'm tired. But I still get up each day and take my meds. I show up for every chemo treatment with a fucking smile because that's battle day for this bullshit. I make sure Ashley gives me my blood thinner shots twice daily, even though I can't stand needles (don't let the tattoos and piercings fool you). I continue eating and making sure I'm taking care of myself and listening to my body. You know why? Because these are the materials I have to work with for my future self. Because, if anything, cancer has freed me from so damn much. Stress over money? Nope, I can't take it with me when the day comes and I'm gone, so might as well use it and enjoy it while I can. Insecure over my weight? Nope, my abdomen has done WERK to get to where it is, that scar is my war wound. Worried I'll hurt someone's feelings with my opinions? That thought was hanging on by a thread before anyways, and cancer just makes it even more thin.
In an effort to figure out where this all came from, I recently went to a genetic counselor for genetic bloodwork to find any gene mutations and hereditary syndromes and/or factors that predestined me for this. I'll be getting those results back within the next 3-4 weeks, and I'm eager to know. At this point, I'm 99% sure it's my genes... what else could it be?
People say I'm brave, but honestly y'all, I don't have any other option here BUT to fight. My story isn't over yet; I've got way too much more to do before my soul flies free. What else am I going to do, roll over and just let it takeover my organs? Fat chance. I'm doing what any normal human being would do; it's not terminal, I've had the cancer physically removed, and I'm ONLY 30. My doctors like to remind me of the positives: I have health and age on my side, which are big factors in my fight.
As one of my favorite books, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, states: "So this is my life. And I want you to know that I'm both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that can be." This is where I'm at right now, and while this has changed my life, perhaps it's too soon to tell how good or bad it is that I have cancer. But I can tell you this: I'm not done yet, and there's still more I've got to do.
Friday, October 18, 2019
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
checking things off my 30 before 30 list
I have to say, I am really proud of myself.
I have already taken care of FOUR of my goals on my 30 before 30 list! And here I was thinking I wasn't going to be able to get everything done and I've already checked off some. Look. At. That.
1.get another tattoo
I have already taken care of FOUR of my goals on my 30 before 30 list! And here I was thinking I wasn't going to be able to get everything done and I've already checked off some. Look. At. That.
1.
(Parks and Rec forever)
We say this to each other practically all the time, and it'll probably (definitely) show up in our vows in a few weeks. Took maybe 15 minutes and was pretty painless too, but I definitely have the bug and want some more very soon if possible.
Shout out to Greg at Oak City Tattoo in Raleigh for working with us!
2. be a published author
YOU GUYS. IT FINALLY HAPPENED.
In Holl & Lane magazine, for their 14th issue appropriately entitled 'The Heart', I have a published piece!
The little girl inside of me that made books for fun in my free time and wrote any chance I got in every journal I've ever owned is doing the biggest happy dance at seeing my name in print.
Holl & Lane is a rare publication where women can share their honest stories without judgement, and I am so incredibly proud to be part of this amazing community of female contributors. This magazine is content created by women about women, and is one of the most refreshing representations of women in the media I've seen in a long time. Here you won't find tips on loosing weight so you can look better naked or lists of ways to improve yourself just to be loved by your partner; instead, Sarah and her team of creatives welcome you as you are, exactly as you are, in whatever season of life you're living in. Each issue focuses on another theme that affects women, be it mental health, matters of the heart, or the physical and metaphorical body. Within its' pages instead, you'll find stories about miscarriages and loss, abuse and recovery, love and light, the human condition and the female experience, and more.
Holl & Lane has limited quantities of print issues, so PLEASE head over to the link above and snag yourself a copy of this fantastic publication, and read my piece featured within it, 'Unexpected Reassurance'.
4.get married to the love of my life
I can not even describe how incredibly happy Sunday, October 22nd was for both Ashley and I. We were surrounded by our community of family and friends that are our chosen family, crying through the ceremony and laughing and dancing our asses off through the reception. From the fantastic vows to the sentimental and heartfelt speeches to my new wife's killer dance moves, Sunday was the best day ever, capping off such a phenomenal weekend. We cannot thank everyone enough for that day.
More to come later on wedding day, but for now, here's a shot from my best friend Rebekah's boyfriend Devon that he got that is my new favorite until we get our photos from Kat back...
3. do a 30 day challenge
For the month of August, I went 30 days without Red Bull AND beer.
As a former server and bartender, this was a little hard but mostly, I was perfectly fine. I'm used to grabbing caffeine on my way everywhere I go, and when coffee isn't nearby, I grab Red Bull like water. Since going without, I have been a lot less likely to grab it, but I still love it.
(first beer flight after 30 days)
And thanks to the 30 days without beer, I lost a few pounds and I was able to feel a bit better about myself. We of course had beer and wine at our wedding, but going without it for 30 days was a nice reset. I love trying new brews so I missed that, but honestly, I'm just not 21 anymore, so I was happy for the break.
Speaking of wedding...
4.
I can not even describe how incredibly happy Sunday, October 22nd was for both Ashley and I. We were surrounded by our community of family and friends that are our chosen family, crying through the ceremony and laughing and dancing our asses off through the reception. From the fantastic vows to the sentimental and heartfelt speeches to my new wife's killer dance moves, Sunday was the best day ever, capping off such a phenomenal weekend. We cannot thank everyone enough for that day.
More to come later on wedding day, but for now, here's a shot from my best friend Rebekah's boyfriend Devon that he got that is my new favorite until we get our photos from Kat back...
More to come soon!
Thursday, March 16, 2017
filling in the blanks / 002
Since my time being unemployed with a wide-open schedule is coming to an end, I figured why not have some fun and do a post of some good ole fashioned fill in the blanks.
1. Something near and dear to my heart is the desire to do something good, whether it be for a person, an animal, or an organization.
2. A promotion, a beautiful day, or even just because is good cause to celebrate.
3. The most fun I ever had was studying abroad in London for a summer semester, experiencing the places I've always wanted to go and seeing all the art I could have dreamed of seeing in person.
4. True friends are the kind of people who, no matter what's going on, you can call up even if it's been a while and they'll be there for you as if it's been a minute since the last time you spoke, the kind that let you be your messy self and yet still think you're amazing, and definitely the kind of people who you can pour a glass of wine for and share a laugh with always.
5. Something that makes me terribly happy is when I get to spend time traveling and adventuring with Ashley, bonus points if it's a beautiful day and I get to be creative at some point.
6. A good way to spend a sunny day is having a beer with friends outside on a patio somewhere, be it a restaurant with a rooftop deck or a brewery with dogs and cornhole. I advocate for sunny days to be celebration days.
7. My favorite celebratory food is pasta and wine, particularly anything with bubbles. I've been on a rosé kick lately, and I have to say it is a delightful and splendid way to celebrate anything!
8. When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is look at my phone. It's awful, I know, but if Ashley isn't awake yet or she's already left for class, I like to catch up on the news and my notifications. When I have work in the morning, however, I usually hit snooze once or twice before hopping up and quickly getting ready for the day.
9. I can hardly wait for my sister's baby shower next month and my wedding in October! It keeps getting closer and closer and while we have a lot of things accomplished, we still have a lot to polish off in terms of contracts. Hopefully within the next month or so, we will have everything signed, sealed, and ready. My sister, on the other hand, is due at the end of May, and I've been a busy bee over here trying to finish making her decorations and presents.
10. The quickest way to my heart is by making me laugh because I feel laughter is absolutely the best medicine. Of course, sharing similar world views is also important, but having someone who can brighten the room with a laugh, good mood or not, is key.
11. A little known fact about me is the fact that I've broken my left thumb before. The day of 2nd grade orientation I stuck my thumb in our faulty dryer (it would still spin if the door was open), looking for a towel for our above-ground pool (we were really cool in the 90's, guys) and my grandmother's Japanese quilt caught my thumb, wrapped around it, and I completely destroyed my nailbed and broke it in three places. I had to have reconstructive surgery on it, including having a pin put in it, I wore a cast for 6 weeks from knuckles to biceps, and then had to undergo PT to regain mobility in my thumb. All because I wanted to grab a towel to go swimming.
12. Something I just couldn't live without is music. I've been to numerous music festivals, plenty of concerts, and I maintain a subscription to Spotify. It speaks to my soul in ways other things just don't do. It's the motivation that gets my creative juices flowing easily. And there is still nothing better than driving somewhere with the windows down and the music way up.
13. Something useful I wish I knew how to do is speak a second language fluently, or have the talent to successfully cook a grilled cheese sandwich without burning it. My timing is awful. As for the language, I took many years of Spanish, and I understand it enough to get me by somewhere, but I'm not fluent in the least.
14. If I had to classify my interior design aesthetic, it would be eclectic with hints of rustic and modern. My brother-in-law made our coffee table, it's stained reclaimed wood with black pipes for the legs, and I adore it so much, I want to design our entire household around it. But I also love IKEA, those clean lines and if it's grey in any way, done. Ultimately, if Joanna Gaines and Jillian Harris could design my house for me, I'd be sold.
15. If I had an extra $100 to spend on whatever I want, I would buy a bottle of rosé, an item or two off my closet wishlist to wear to work, and probably spend the rest at Target buying myself whatever sounds wonderful.
So there you go! I hope you all have a wonderful Thursday and enjoy your St. Patrick's Day weekend! I know I'll be having a cold Guinness tomorrow to celebrate :)
1. Something near and dear to my heart is the desire to do something good, whether it be for a person, an animal, or an organization.
2. A promotion, a beautiful day, or even just because is good cause to celebrate.
3. The most fun I ever had was studying abroad in London for a summer semester, experiencing the places I've always wanted to go and seeing all the art I could have dreamed of seeing in person.
4. True friends are the kind of people who, no matter what's going on, you can call up even if it's been a while and they'll be there for you as if it's been a minute since the last time you spoke, the kind that let you be your messy self and yet still think you're amazing, and definitely the kind of people who you can pour a glass of wine for and share a laugh with always.
5. Something that makes me terribly happy is when I get to spend time traveling and adventuring with Ashley, bonus points if it's a beautiful day and I get to be creative at some point.
6. A good way to spend a sunny day is having a beer with friends outside on a patio somewhere, be it a restaurant with a rooftop deck or a brewery with dogs and cornhole. I advocate for sunny days to be celebration days.
7. My favorite celebratory food is pasta and wine, particularly anything with bubbles. I've been on a rosé kick lately, and I have to say it is a delightful and splendid way to celebrate anything!
8. When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is look at my phone. It's awful, I know, but if Ashley isn't awake yet or she's already left for class, I like to catch up on the news and my notifications. When I have work in the morning, however, I usually hit snooze once or twice before hopping up and quickly getting ready for the day.
9. I can hardly wait for my sister's baby shower next month and my wedding in October! It keeps getting closer and closer and while we have a lot of things accomplished, we still have a lot to polish off in terms of contracts. Hopefully within the next month or so, we will have everything signed, sealed, and ready. My sister, on the other hand, is due at the end of May, and I've been a busy bee over here trying to finish making her decorations and presents.
10. The quickest way to my heart is by making me laugh because I feel laughter is absolutely the best medicine. Of course, sharing similar world views is also important, but having someone who can brighten the room with a laugh, good mood or not, is key.
11. A little known fact about me is the fact that I've broken my left thumb before. The day of 2nd grade orientation I stuck my thumb in our faulty dryer (it would still spin if the door was open), looking for a towel for our above-ground pool (we were really cool in the 90's, guys) and my grandmother's Japanese quilt caught my thumb, wrapped around it, and I completely destroyed my nailbed and broke it in three places. I had to have reconstructive surgery on it, including having a pin put in it, I wore a cast for 6 weeks from knuckles to biceps, and then had to undergo PT to regain mobility in my thumb. All because I wanted to grab a towel to go swimming.
12. Something I just couldn't live without is music. I've been to numerous music festivals, plenty of concerts, and I maintain a subscription to Spotify. It speaks to my soul in ways other things just don't do. It's the motivation that gets my creative juices flowing easily. And there is still nothing better than driving somewhere with the windows down and the music way up.
13. Something useful I wish I knew how to do is speak a second language fluently, or have the talent to successfully cook a grilled cheese sandwich without burning it. My timing is awful. As for the language, I took many years of Spanish, and I understand it enough to get me by somewhere, but I'm not fluent in the least.
14. If I had to classify my interior design aesthetic, it would be eclectic with hints of rustic and modern. My brother-in-law made our coffee table, it's stained reclaimed wood with black pipes for the legs, and I adore it so much, I want to design our entire household around it. But I also love IKEA, those clean lines and if it's grey in any way, done. Ultimately, if Joanna Gaines and Jillian Harris could design my house for me, I'd be sold.
15. If I had an extra $100 to spend on whatever I want, I would buy a bottle of rosé, an item or two off my closet wishlist to wear to work, and probably spend the rest at Target buying myself whatever sounds wonderful.
So there you go! I hope you all have a wonderful Thursday and enjoy your St. Patrick's Day weekend! I know I'll be having a cold Guinness tomorrow to celebrate :)
Thursday, December 1, 2016
what am I up to / 001
There's a lot going on here lately with me and my little corner of the world, but I feel taking some time to reflect on the simple things right now is really something I need. I've been so anxious about this move and waiting to hear back about some career prospects that I've had trouble focusing on anything else. So let's worry about the positive and get in tune with the small details. I love the details anyways.
watching The Crown and Call the Midwife on Netflix, which I recently caught up on both, so definitely need to find a new show to watch. Or I might just forego it, since I need to get a jump on the holidays. Perhaps some National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation will be on deck later. It isn't the holidays without it.
listening to Keaton Henson & Lisa Hannigan's duet of How Could I Have Known and I'm obsessed. I've had a lot of Gavin James playing in my ears lately too.
reading Voyager by Diana Gabaldon. I borrowed the first two books from MJ before she went to Austraila and I've been desperately trying to finish the third book so we can talk about it. We both love the Outlander series and I wanted to read the books. Being an English major, I've always had a thing for the book over the film.
planning our big move to Raleigh. There's still so much left to plan and purchase and figure out, it's hard though without some stability in the job department. Hopefully, we will have our answers sooner rather than later.
missing my sister, Caitlin, MJ, and Jessi. I probably text all 4 on a daily basis and I've been missing them all a lot lately. Caitlin lives out in Texas, Jessi in Florida, and MJ is in Australia for the next 8-10 months with her husband Zach (in fact they have a fantastic blog detailing their journey, you all should check it out!) Both my sister and Jessi are pregnant with boys, Caitlin is trying to settle into a new position in Austin, and MJ has been traveling all over, enjoying life in the best way. All of these people have been having an amazing stroke of good luck lately, and I wish sometimes we were all a little closer in distance so I could hug them each for an ungodly long amount of time.
wondering about this new position I am hoping to snatch up at work if possible, if Ashley and I will be able to get everything together we need for the move, and whether December will be the positive end to such a crazy year. Lots of thoughts about couches, decorating our apartment, getting into the Christmas spirit, when things will settle down...
playing entirely too much Candy Crush and Gardenscapes (a game similar to Candy Crush). It's my absent thinking, keep my hands busy and my brain engaged, kind of app to use, and I admit, I am all about it sometimes. I'm working on pulling away from my phone more.
cooking not nearly enough! With us living with Ashley's mom for now, and both of us getting home from work around 7, it's hard to get home and cook and still get in bed in time to get enough sleep before our super early alarms. Ashley's mom tends to cook a lot, which makes me extremely grateful, but I'm a little overly excited to get back to cooking dinner in our new apartment. Plus, our new kitchen is really pretty.
loving this weather recently. It hasn't rained in Georgia in over a month so the past two days have been filled with grey skies and raindrops falling down the windows of my office, and I absolutely adore it. Also, just loving the feeling of so much that is wonderful right around the corner, and it's a bit intoxicating to think about what all can be. I'm also really loving that I get to decorate our apartment soon too. Hands down one of my favorite parts of moving.
not trying to stress myself out more over the uncertainty in my life right now. It's hard, I enjoy being in control and at least having some idea as to what is coming next, but this move is hard to predict because I'm still waiting to hear back about a job. I'm also not decorating for the holidays yet, because we are about to move, and it kind of dampens my holiday spirit.
drinking a lot of water. Usually around this time of year, I tend to celebrate everything with a craft brew or a glass of cab sav, but in an effort to save money, I've been trying to not get too festive and instead ramp up my water intake. Ashley got us some Nalgene water bottles last year with an Amazon giftcard her boss gave her, and we both use them religiously. With each bottle being 32oz and has a wide mouth, it's easy to fill up, easy to track how much you're actually drinking, and it's easy to use. I probably fill mine up about 3 or 4 times a day, and I hate going anywhere without it, so it's absolutely an investment. I used to have a Camelbak water bottle that was double-insulated and had a spout, but that mouthpiece is very much prone to mold, and it's really difficult to clean, so as much I loved carrying it around campus last year, I'm in love with my Nalgene.
crying over Living Rosa on YouTube. I've been following them for a while, Tara and Mandi are a married couple from Long Island that have a daughter, Lennon, and are currently trying for another. They started their channel to document their journey to motherhood, and they are both so refreshingly honest and wonderful people. If I lived in the NY area, I would want to be their friends for sure. It's just so wonderful to see a lesbian couple in the world happily married, happily parenting, and happy in living their lives. They definitely give me hope for when Ashley and I pursue that route (not any time soon guys) and I'm an emotional person who enjoys seeing people happy.
wearing entirely too many cardigans. It's my thing in fall and winter, I simply take my summer and spring wardrobe, slap a cardigan, a scarf, and some fun tights on underneath it, and I'm out the door. Also, my boots that I need to repair yet again. I wear them that much.
obsessing over a lot of things right now, including: Gavin James' music, home decor ideas for our new place, looking forward to more adult purchases like couches and curtains, trying to revamp my wardrobe to reflect the fact that I am 28 and not 21 anymore, onion bagels and caramel macchiatos from Einstein's Bagels, the Jones Market new holiday line of necklaces (I need like five right now), Holl & Lane magazine (please check out this amazing publication here), finding the right journal to start bullet journaling in, and looking at pictures of my wedding dress my mom so graciously bought for me this past month...y'all, it is so gorgeous.
working really, really, really hard on trying to get a job in North Carolina. It's really tough. Also, my budget. When you've worked for years and years in the restaurant industry, it's hard to transition from getting money every day of work to only twice a month (but at least my paychecks mean I have insurance and stability and it's usually much more than what I was making in restaurants.) But I've been working at it and lo and behold... it's working. Things are slowly but steadily working towards being healthy financially. Let's hope this position I'm eyeing works out and then I will really get to move towards a healthy financial future!
writing more and more on the blog as best as I can. I've really been wanting to submit some of my writing to Holl & Lane or try to work on putting together something. It's hard to find time to write lately, but my goal in 2017 is to make the time I need.
watching The Crown and Call the Midwife on Netflix, which I recently caught up on both, so definitely need to find a new show to watch. Or I might just forego it, since I need to get a jump on the holidays. Perhaps some National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation will be on deck later. It isn't the holidays without it.
listening to Keaton Henson & Lisa Hannigan's duet of How Could I Have Known and I'm obsessed. I've had a lot of Gavin James playing in my ears lately too.
reading Voyager by Diana Gabaldon. I borrowed the first two books from MJ before she went to Austraila and I've been desperately trying to finish the third book so we can talk about it. We both love the Outlander series and I wanted to read the books. Being an English major, I've always had a thing for the book over the film.
planning our big move to Raleigh. There's still so much left to plan and purchase and figure out, it's hard though without some stability in the job department. Hopefully, we will have our answers sooner rather than later.
missing my sister, Caitlin, MJ, and Jessi. I probably text all 4 on a daily basis and I've been missing them all a lot lately. Caitlin lives out in Texas, Jessi in Florida, and MJ is in Australia for the next 8-10 months with her husband Zach (in fact they have a fantastic blog detailing their journey, you all should check it out!) Both my sister and Jessi are pregnant with boys, Caitlin is trying to settle into a new position in Austin, and MJ has been traveling all over, enjoying life in the best way. All of these people have been having an amazing stroke of good luck lately, and I wish sometimes we were all a little closer in distance so I could hug them each for an ungodly long amount of time.
wondering about this new position I am hoping to snatch up at work if possible, if Ashley and I will be able to get everything together we need for the move, and whether December will be the positive end to such a crazy year. Lots of thoughts about couches, decorating our apartment, getting into the Christmas spirit, when things will settle down...
playing entirely too much Candy Crush and Gardenscapes (a game similar to Candy Crush). It's my absent thinking, keep my hands busy and my brain engaged, kind of app to use, and I admit, I am all about it sometimes. I'm working on pulling away from my phone more.
cooking not nearly enough! With us living with Ashley's mom for now, and both of us getting home from work around 7, it's hard to get home and cook and still get in bed in time to get enough sleep before our super early alarms. Ashley's mom tends to cook a lot, which makes me extremely grateful, but I'm a little overly excited to get back to cooking dinner in our new apartment. Plus, our new kitchen is really pretty.
loving this weather recently. It hasn't rained in Georgia in over a month so the past two days have been filled with grey skies and raindrops falling down the windows of my office, and I absolutely adore it. Also, just loving the feeling of so much that is wonderful right around the corner, and it's a bit intoxicating to think about what all can be. I'm also really loving that I get to decorate our apartment soon too. Hands down one of my favorite parts of moving.
not trying to stress myself out more over the uncertainty in my life right now. It's hard, I enjoy being in control and at least having some idea as to what is coming next, but this move is hard to predict because I'm still waiting to hear back about a job. I'm also not decorating for the holidays yet, because we are about to move, and it kind of dampens my holiday spirit.
drinking a lot of water. Usually around this time of year, I tend to celebrate everything with a craft brew or a glass of cab sav, but in an effort to save money, I've been trying to not get too festive and instead ramp up my water intake. Ashley got us some Nalgene water bottles last year with an Amazon giftcard her boss gave her, and we both use them religiously. With each bottle being 32oz and has a wide mouth, it's easy to fill up, easy to track how much you're actually drinking, and it's easy to use. I probably fill mine up about 3 or 4 times a day, and I hate going anywhere without it, so it's absolutely an investment. I used to have a Camelbak water bottle that was double-insulated and had a spout, but that mouthpiece is very much prone to mold, and it's really difficult to clean, so as much I loved carrying it around campus last year, I'm in love with my Nalgene.
crying over Living Rosa on YouTube. I've been following them for a while, Tara and Mandi are a married couple from Long Island that have a daughter, Lennon, and are currently trying for another. They started their channel to document their journey to motherhood, and they are both so refreshingly honest and wonderful people. If I lived in the NY area, I would want to be their friends for sure. It's just so wonderful to see a lesbian couple in the world happily married, happily parenting, and happy in living their lives. They definitely give me hope for when Ashley and I pursue that route (not any time soon guys) and I'm an emotional person who enjoys seeing people happy.
wearing entirely too many cardigans. It's my thing in fall and winter, I simply take my summer and spring wardrobe, slap a cardigan, a scarf, and some fun tights on underneath it, and I'm out the door. Also, my boots that I need to repair yet again. I wear them that much.
obsessing over a lot of things right now, including: Gavin James' music, home decor ideas for our new place, looking forward to more adult purchases like couches and curtains, trying to revamp my wardrobe to reflect the fact that I am 28 and not 21 anymore, onion bagels and caramel macchiatos from Einstein's Bagels, the Jones Market new holiday line of necklaces (I need like five right now), Holl & Lane magazine (please check out this amazing publication here), finding the right journal to start bullet journaling in, and looking at pictures of my wedding dress my mom so graciously bought for me this past month...y'all, it is so gorgeous.
working really, really, really hard on trying to get a job in North Carolina. It's really tough. Also, my budget. When you've worked for years and years in the restaurant industry, it's hard to transition from getting money every day of work to only twice a month (but at least my paychecks mean I have insurance and stability and it's usually much more than what I was making in restaurants.) But I've been working at it and lo and behold... it's working. Things are slowly but steadily working towards being healthy financially. Let's hope this position I'm eyeing works out and then I will really get to move towards a healthy financial future!
writing more and more on the blog as best as I can. I've really been wanting to submit some of my writing to Holl & Lane or try to work on putting together something. It's hard to find time to write lately, but my goal in 2017 is to make the time I need.
Sunday, August 21, 2016
hey there
hi universe, I'm Nikki.
I'm starting this blog as a way for me to not only document my life, but to share my experiences and my writing. I've gone back and forth about this for a while now, contemplating whether to blog or not, and as I've thought about it more often, I've decided this is the best way to really express myself. I will make the best effort to be as 'frank' as possible, showing my life with as much honest detail as I can, without sacrificing my own privacy at the same time. I hope you're up for it.
To start, here is a little about myself. I'm 27 years old and I live outside of Atlanta, for now. I am engaged to a wonderful woman named Ashley who makes me laugh every single day. I graduated with my Bachelor's in Writing and Publication from a university here in my state just this past May, and I'm still looking for the right writing job. I'm currently trying to get as much editing and writing experience as possible, as that is where my passion lives. I work in an office in Atlanta for now, and while it's not in my field exactly, it gives me the opportunity to have the time needed to write and live. I studied abroad two years ago in London, a trip that changed my life and made me fall madly in love with the city. Since then, I've spent as much time as I can trying to travel, write, and live authentically the best way possible. I have a vast love affair for craft beers and cheese, in fact, I almost called my blog for the love of cheese, but decided against it since I'm not a food blog. I come from a loud and large family, mostly filled with headstrong women. I'm a dreamer with a penchant for grand plans and I'm hoping that I'm finally turning the corner on a lot of these. I'm very outspoken, and I'm not afraid to express my opinion when asked. I'm as human as the next person, and sometimes I fuck up, it hasn't always been an easy road, but it's a road worth traveling for sure.
Currently, I am on the precipice of a new journey soon. Ashley is waiting to hear back about graduate school and it's a change that will either take us out of state and to a brand new place to call home or further encourage us to lay our roots here in Atlanta. For me, this means a new opportunity to really get into what makes me happy: writing.
Growing up, I was the kid reading Harry Potter novels under the covers with a flashlight until the wee hours of the morning. I've been hooked ever since. Since childhood, I have spent as much free time as possible reading and writing anything and everything I can, from poetry to non-fiction to fictious blurbs about exaggerated lives. To this day, I have half-full journals and half-finished blogs strewn all over my bookshelf and my social media pages, and I'm hoping to make this something completely different.
For now, that's all I've got, but trust me, this is just the beginning.
I'm starting this blog as a way for me to not only document my life, but to share my experiences and my writing. I've gone back and forth about this for a while now, contemplating whether to blog or not, and as I've thought about it more often, I've decided this is the best way to really express myself. I will make the best effort to be as 'frank' as possible, showing my life with as much honest detail as I can, without sacrificing my own privacy at the same time. I hope you're up for it.
To start, here is a little about myself. I'm 27 years old and I live outside of Atlanta, for now. I am engaged to a wonderful woman named Ashley who makes me laugh every single day. I graduated with my Bachelor's in Writing and Publication from a university here in my state just this past May, and I'm still looking for the right writing job. I'm currently trying to get as much editing and writing experience as possible, as that is where my passion lives. I work in an office in Atlanta for now, and while it's not in my field exactly, it gives me the opportunity to have the time needed to write and live. I studied abroad two years ago in London, a trip that changed my life and made me fall madly in love with the city. Since then, I've spent as much time as I can trying to travel, write, and live authentically the best way possible. I have a vast love affair for craft beers and cheese, in fact, I almost called my blog for the love of cheese, but decided against it since I'm not a food blog. I come from a loud and large family, mostly filled with headstrong women. I'm a dreamer with a penchant for grand plans and I'm hoping that I'm finally turning the corner on a lot of these. I'm very outspoken, and I'm not afraid to express my opinion when asked. I'm as human as the next person, and sometimes I fuck up, it hasn't always been an easy road, but it's a road worth traveling for sure.
Currently, I am on the precipice of a new journey soon. Ashley is waiting to hear back about graduate school and it's a change that will either take us out of state and to a brand new place to call home or further encourage us to lay our roots here in Atlanta. For me, this means a new opportunity to really get into what makes me happy: writing.
Growing up, I was the kid reading Harry Potter novels under the covers with a flashlight until the wee hours of the morning. I've been hooked ever since. Since childhood, I have spent as much free time as possible reading and writing anything and everything I can, from poetry to non-fiction to fictious blurbs about exaggerated lives. To this day, I have half-full journals and half-finished blogs strewn all over my bookshelf and my social media pages, and I'm hoping to make this something completely different.
For now, that's all I've got, but trust me, this is just the beginning.